Verses I Will Never Preach From

NOTE: The title is a joke but the content is not. The first 10 verses are from an anonymous list that's all over the Internet. They are real verses from different translations that have been found to be humorous.

2 Kings 2:23-24 (NKJV)
Then he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up the road, some youths came from the city and mocked him, and said to him, “Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!” So he turned around and looked at them, and pronounced a curse on them in the name of the LORD. And two female bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.

Mark 14:51-52 (NASB)
A young man was following Him, wearing nothing but a linen sheet over his naked body; and they seized him. But he pulled free of the linen sheet and escaped naked.

Deuteronomy 23:1 (ESV)
No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.

Genesis 38:8-10 (NASB)
Then Judah said to Onan, “Go in to your brother’s wife, and perform your duty as a brother-in-law to her, and raise up offspring for your brother.” Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so when he went in to his brother’s wife, he wasted his seed on the ground in order not to give offspring to his brother. But what he did was displeasing in the sight of the LORD; so He took his life also.

1 Samuel 18:25-27 (ESV)
Then Saul said, “Thus shall you say to David, ‘The king desires no bride-price except a hundred foreskins of the Philistines, that he may be avenged of the king’s enemies.’” Now Saul thought to make David fall by the hand of the Philistines. And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well to be the king’s son-in-law. Before the time had expired, David arose and went, along with his men, and killed two hundred of the Philistines. And David brought their foreskins, which were given in full number to the king, that he might become the king’s son-in-law. And Saul gave him his daughter Michal for a wife.

Exodus 4:24-25 (NASB)
Now it came about at the lodging place on the way that the LORD met him and sought to put him to death. Then Zipporah took a flint and cut off her son’s foreskin and threw it at Moses’ feet, and she said, “You are indeed a bridegroom of blood to me.”

Ezekiel 16:17 (NIV)
You also took the fine jewelry I gave you, the jewelry made of my gold and silver, and you made for yourself male idols and engaged in prostitution with them.

Ezekiel 23:19-20 (NET)
Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals – as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions.

Judges 3:19-25 (ESV)
And Ehud reached with his left hand, took the sword from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly. And the hilt also went in after the blade, and the fat closed over the blade, for he did not pull the sword out of his belly; and the dung came out.

Deuteronomy 25:11-12 (NASB)
If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity.

OTHER VERSES

Genesis 27:11 (KJV)
And Jacob said to Rebekah his mother, Behold, Esau my brother is a hairy man, and I am a smooth man

Ecclesiastes 10:19 (NASB)
Men prepare a meal for enjoyment, and wine makes life merry, and money is the answer to everything.

2 Kings 18:27 (KJV)
But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?

The same verse appears almost word for word in

Isaiah 36:12 (KJV)
But Rabshakeh said, Hath my master sent me to thy master and to thee to speak these words? hath he not sent me to the men that sit upon the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?

1 Timothy 2:15 (NIV)
But women will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety.

Song of Solomon 2:3 (KJV)
As the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.

Nahum 3:6 (NKJV)
I will cast abominable filth upon you, make you vile, and make you a spectacle.


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